Cow Jokes and Cow Humor Collected From Simply Bovine Customers!
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
Q: What do you call a Cow with no legs.
A: Ground Beef
Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: Go to moo-vies.
Q: Which job is a cow most suited for?
A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly.
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moo-dy Blues
Q: Why should you never-ever tell a Cow a secret?
A: Because it will just go in one ear and out the UDDER
Q: What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
Q: What do you call it when a cow tries to jump over a barbed-wire fence?
A: UDDER destruction!
Q: What's a cow's favorite food?
TWO COWS ...
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cow.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government takes the milk and pays you for it and then pours the milk down the drain.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
DEMOCRAT -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST -You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST -You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
FLORIDA CORPORATION -You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
POLISH CORPORATION -You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have
Q: What are a cows favorite subjects in school?
A: Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow''s ear. The farmer didn't' think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
A: Lean meat
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
Q: What is a cow's favorite subject in school?
A farmer was milking a cow one day when he noticed a
fly go in the cows ear. After he was done with the milking, he saw the same fly in the milk. Then he said, "That's funny. It went in one ear and out the udder!"
Q: What is a cow's favorite holiday?
A: Moo Years Day!!
Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: Milk dud, or an utter failure!!
Q: What do you call a cow with holes in it?
A: HOLY COW!
Q: Where do baby cows go for lunch?
A: To a calf-a tiria!
Q: What did the cow say when she saw her calf's messy room?
A: Were you raised in a barn?
Q: What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A: A milkshake!
: What kind of car does a cow drive?
A: A Cattelac!
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
Q: Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained
A: It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Q:What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock!
Q: What did the scientist say when he found bones on
A: Looks like the cow didn't make it!!
Q:Why did the farmer feed his cow money?
A:He wanted rich milk.
There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Q:What do you get from a pampered cow?
Q: Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands!
Q: Where is a cow's most happiest place on earth?????
A: In COWlifornia, of course!!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh Moo!
Q: What do you call cow and a poodle mixed.
Mrs Betty Patty was walking down the cow path and she noticed two bulls having a cowversation. She went over to them and said what you cowversating about? One bull said I was telling ole Bull here bout my new job. Mrs. Betty said oh no crap what do you do? Bull said I am a moooooover!!!!
Q: What do cows do online?
A: They instant moo-ssege each other!
Q: What do you get when you mix a cow and a ghost?
A: Vanishing Cream!
Q: What is a cow's favorite school activity?
Theres 2 cows in a field, One cow looks at the other cow and says "moo." The other cow looks back and says "I was just going to say that"
Q: Which job is a cow most suited for?
A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly.
When a cow laughs does milk come out of its nose?
Q: What did the mime cow say?
A: Udderly nothing
Q: What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
A: Beef-flat !!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and quackers!
Q: Why do cows wear cow bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
A: With a Cowculator
Q: What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
A: "It's just an udder day"
There was a cow learning to play the piano! She was awful. One of her heifer friends had came by. Hey Bossy she said how is my playin? Bossy said you getting butter and butter!!
Q: Why doesn't Sweden import cattle?
A: They have a good Stockholm.
Q: why did the cow run frantically across the road?
A: So she wouldn't get creamed
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Heck, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows? "Was it mad?" asks the other farmer. The farmer replies "Well it wasn't very happy about it".
Cows don't say who, cows say moo !
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GRUMPY COW?
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...
And now she thinks she's a horse.
Q: What are the spots on black and white cows?
Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry
Q: What do you call a cow's second cousin that has been sent to the meat packing plant?
A: A first cousin, once remooooooved.
Q: What do you call a cow on Halloween?
Q: What do you call a cow on Christmas?
A: Santa Cows
Q: What do you call a cow on St. Patrick's Day?
Q: What do you call a cow on Easter?
A: Udderly silly, you call the Easter Bunny
Q: How do you tell a cow is exceptional?
A: It's out standing in its field
Q : A totally black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was cruising around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow?
A : It was daytime.
There are 3 men on a train entering Scotland.The first man is an ecologist. The second man is a logician. The third man is a mathematician. They all see a brown cow on the side of the tracks parallel to the train. The ecologist says, "Look! The cows in Scotland are brown.". The logician says, "No no. There is atleast one cow in Scotland that is brown." The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. There is atleast one cow in Scotland of which one side appears to be brown."
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."
Sam, a business man was driving home after long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said, "Will you give me a ride to Denver Sir?"
Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here."
"No Sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I Promise."
The business man was reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.
They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that the cow would be fine, not to worry.
Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go to 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you, you son of ........" "What is the matter?" the hitchhiker asked.
"Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said.It's sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked. "The left side," Sam said with a smile. "Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better pull over, she is trying to pass you."
There were three cows,a Red cow, a Blue Cow, and a Yellow Cow, all of them, on one side of a an eighteen lane superhighway. One day, they were busy just grazing along, and they realized that they were out of grass . . . So they were thinking to themselves that if they could get to the OTHER side of this super highway, they could eat the grass over on the other side. So the Blue cow was thinking to himself, and he comes up with an idea. He walks over to the telephone pole, climbs up it, walks across the line, climbs down the other side, and starts eating the grass. So the Red cow is thinking to himself that if the Blue cow could do it, so could he. He comes up with an idea and backs up away from the highway, runs, jumps, leaps over ALL 18 lanes, lands on the other side, and starts eating the grass. So the Yellow cow, left all alone, is thinking to himself that if the Blue cow could do it and the Red cow could do it, then so could he. So he comes up with an idea, and he walks out into traffic. He gets run over by an 18 wheeler and dies. The Red cow turns to the Blue cow and says "Mooooooooo."
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